ATTENTION. ATTENTION. ANCIENT SATYR PLAY RECEIVED.|
INTERDIMENSIONAL TRANSMISSION IS A FACT. ANCIENT MASTERS
What should happen, is that I should receive an interdimensional theater
transmission from ancient Athens. Alas, it is a satyr play, one of those
raunchy, sexually explicit, lewd, crude, rude, nervy and provocative short
plays that provided relief to Greek theatergoers between tragic performances,
rather than the hitherto-unseen major Greek tragedy that I would have hoped for.
ALL I am doing is transmitting a work from the Ancient Masters.
I've done my best to clean up the transmission, removing explicit
material, but I've been unable to make it completely politically correct.
WARNING. WARNING. POLITICALLY INCORRECT MATERIAL
FOLLOWS. WARNING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
I feel it my duty to transmit this work as the ANCIENT MASTERS
have instructed me.
Loving Bridget's Ear
(By Stephen Williamson?)
Two Irish "clowns," Seamus and Sean, wearing green hats and outsize
shamrocks. Seamus sits on the bench holding his head in his hands.
Sean walks jauntily over, but slows as he approaches and eyes
Sean: Good Day to you Seamus. And how be you doing to doing
Seamus: Ah, me head is hurting, but worse is the deep mystery
question that be haunting me, Sean.
Sean: The mystery, Seamus, be what you doing here this weekend.
Seamus: Well now, Sean, I'm waiting for the St. Paddy's Day parade,
the same as I do every year.
Sean: Seamus, you're a month late, man, they're serving turkey
in the cafeteria, doesn't that tell you something. And now a
question, a mystery haunting you! That does not sound like you,
Seamus -- eat, drink, and be merry sounds like you, especially, of
course, drink and be merry sounds like you. But tell me what is this
Seamus: The question that be haunting me, that is burning in me
heart like a great flaming fire from heaven is: Did I have sex-ual
congress with Bridget?
Sean: Hmm. Now, I think the question could be taken in two senses-
if me Jesuitical training is correct.... Is it a question of...Seamus,
whether you (and not insulting your manly knowledge now).... Do
you know what sex-ual congress is? Would you be recognizing sex-ual
congress is if you ran across it...in the street so to speak? Or is
it a question of not knowing whether you and Bridget did have sex-ual
congress, but you be knowing what sex-ual congress is. Whether
you had sex-ual congress, that is. I am thinking you two must have
been seeing each now 10, 12 years at least.
Seamus: Sean, I be running into sex-ual congress in the street, I
know what it is to a surety. But all I know is, I was all over her ear,
man. That's all I remember. I had me tongue stuck in her ear and
was licking and sucking, tickling and poking. I was out of control, off
me blooming head, all for Bridget's ear. That's all that I remember,
before I passed out.
Sean: Lets examine the question Jesuitically. Now did you lick that
little protruding knob, right next to deep canal of the ear?
Seamus: Oh, I sucked and licked on that little knob like there was
no tomorrow, and it's a sweet knob Bridget has too.
Sean: Did you, Seamus, stick your tongue as far in Bridget ear as
Seamus: I was out control, I tell you, out of control -- beside meself
with craving. I had to have that ear, I had to have it. I was off me
head. Over me top I tell you.
Sean: Well, I'm not saying it's curious, but how did you be coming
by this passion for her ear? I'm not saying its not normal, but after
years of not having regular sex-ual congress....
Seamus: I go to these lectures when I'm feeling drowsy, to get
me deep rest. Something about those speeches makes me sleep
better. One I day I awoke and heard some woman say
"The way to a woman heart is through her ear." Then I dozed off again.
Sean: You didn't try to...not Bridget's ear?
Seamus: Not in her ear. What kind of man do you take me for?
Sean: Let me ask this: Were you and Bridget in bed when you were
all over her ear the way you were telling me?
Seamus: No, that was still at the pub.
Sean: Well now, is it...did you wake up in bed with Bridget?
Seamus: I woke up her sister Brenda's bed, but she wasn't there.
Sean: In bed with Brenda too? What do the French call it? Managed
something I think it is....
Seamus: No, Bridget wasn't there and Brenda wasn't there. Brenda
is in Mozambique. I was alone in Brenda's apartment with a terrible
headache and this mystery question inside me: did we have sexual
Sean: Bridget still we're talking here not Brenda. Well, man, let's be
frank, were your trousers on or off?
Seamus: Well, me trousers were pulled down, wrapped around one
foot, and me shirt was pulled up high...but still on.
Sean: Hmm. Did it smell like a woman had slept there? No, sure as it
did, it's Brenda's bed. Did you wake up with a smile...no, you're
hangover. Yes, nothing can we conclude from being Brenda's bed.
And we can't deduct anything from your feeling satisfied because of
Seamus: Me head, me head still hurts.
Sean: Now did you see Bridget that day.
Seamus: Well, she was at Mass, but I couldn't catch her eye.
Sean: She wouldn't look you in the eye, man, now there a sign.
Seamus: No, it's her Dad was in the way.
Sean: He's a large man is he?
Seamus: Very large. Her Mom is large too. And her brothers,
they're large. Her sisters are large too. They are large, very large
women. Except for Bridget and Brenda, they're all large.
Sean: It's a big family is it, that what you're saying.
Seamus: Yes. They're large, very large.
Sean: So when Bridget is with her family, you can't see her -- they
loom too large do they, Seamus?
Seamus: That's it. She can't see me either. They're too large. It's a
large family. That's why she likes me she says -- I mean, I'm on the
dole and all, and not the best looking fellow. She can look over me
when we go somewhere. All those years she could never see the
movies, never knew who else was in the pub.
Sean: Hmm. So.... I got it...Seamus, my man, what did you do
when first you entered the church and saw the statue of the Blessed
Mother of our Lord?
Seamus: When I saw the figure of the Blessed Mother of our Lord,
I fell on me knees, tears steaming from eyes, choking and sobbing
was I, and I begged the Holy Mother's forgiveness.
Sean: Well, now sure it is, why did you not say so in first place, man,
obviously you had sex-ual congress with Bridget.